Know Me

For those of you who should know me better, if it weren't for the fact that I'm a little abnormal, I am hard to get to know well. And by that I mean I have not had a serious conversation about myself willingly since I went to a psychologist from fith to eighth grade.

So let's take some time to get to know me. I have just started my junior year of high school, and I am terrified that I won't have enough inner motivation to not procrastinate and thusly failing my classes. Unfortunately, I have been gifted with slightly above average intelligence, and it has granted me an extremely easy school career in the past. However, as I am taking college courses, my classes require me to become an excellent time manager and be on top of things. Classes like Pre Calculus, AP U.S. History, Psychology, and AP Chem are ravaging my sleep schedule. At my core, I am first an all-round theatre freak and second a world-famous procrastinator in all things. The heart of my fear of failing truly lies in the fear that I will try my best and hardest and still not be enough. Most days I would rather believe that I got an F on a paper because I wasn't prepared or because I was being lazy than know that I wasn't smart enough.

While I have doubted the existence of God only a few times, I have often turned from him conscientiously. In my mind I have asked myself, Is this what God wants? Should I be doing this?  And my answer was, "no," yet I thought to myself, So what? I'm going to do it anyways. This particular sin I am referring to is one I have struggled with since I was eleven, and I went to councelling sessions for it. I have always been severely ashamed of this and have never admitted to it aloud to anyone, except to my psychologist in which case it was required. I want to tell my friends, but there is this little and exceptionally loud voice in my head that tells me that my friends won't be my friends anymore if I do. I know this voice belongs to Satan, but the devil tempts us with half truths and I am not ready to be harshly judged by my friends. I think that they will judge me because I would judge myself harshly and basically excommunicate myself, yet I know that they won't put me into a stereotype and judge me because they are better people than I am.

My public personality is a ruse to make people like me. On the inside, I have made harsh judgments on people while being friendly to their faces. Some days I hate talking to these people. Thankfully, I don't have to pretend to like anyone when I'm with my church because I know so much about them that I can't help but love them all with all of my heart. I am working on getting to know the people I dread seeing every day better so that I can understand them and grow to love them.

Despite my cheerful and loving persona, I have an incredible amount of hatred in my heart, and I hate that about myself, which only leads to more hatred. This is a slippery slope I live on. Most of the people I know have not even met or heard of the people that this hatred is pointed to, but God knows and that's what matters. I want so badly to want to let this hatred go, but I also want to hold on to it, and I'm not sure if I will ever want to let go of it.

But I have to, whether I want to or not.

I don't believe I have ever had an actual best friend, but the person I consider to be my best friend has only ever been inside my house once. She's a tiny bit like me in the way she usually secludes herself from fellow students outside of school, even though she does it through sports (which is very unlike me.) She is not my oldest friend (that would be my great-grandma Tootie who is 89 years old), but she, as well as I, have made efforts to stay friends throughout the years. When we first became friends we were completely different people compared to the people we are today, and I'm glad for it. Somehow we both grew maturity-wise at the same pace and never outgrew each other, which was awesome. She even laughs at my stupid attempts at "jokes" (most of the time she's laughing with me towards myself.) She may not know it, but I have never wanted to bite her head off for asking me a question about something that I was already in the middle of figuring out. And that's pretty awesome.

I really hope this didn't turn into a rant, but I'm still working on organizational skills, so bear with me. I am thirdly a horrible pun maker.

To: Doctor Who Fans | From: Me

To all of you who are fans of Doctor Who: You. Are. Awesome.

To all of you who are NOT Doctor Who Fans: You are equally awesome, but you don't know what you're missing.

For everyone who doesn't know me, I am a huge nerd, and I love Doctor Who because it's funny and occasionally it's hard to understand with all the timey-wimey...stuff.

But seriously, if you don't watch Doctor Who, you should!

Shhhh...

My sister and my step-dad just got back from their trip to Lake Powell, Utah and it was really quiet with them gone but now it's a bit louder and I miss the quiet.

Just Checking In

Hello again so far I've not had anyone try to contact me through this blog, and that's okay, I just feel a little loser-y (for lack of a better term). Anyway everyone's making a big deal of the whole Carnival Cruise Ship being stranded for about four days, and it is a big deal but I'm tired of hearing about it in the newspaper and online. I found an interesting story in the newspaper though, it was about two brothers who won a lottery of $75,000 and they started celebrating by buying meth and marijuana and then they accidentally blew up their house! One of the brothers -- a 27 year old -- was put in the hospital with second-degree burns on his hands, arms, and chest while the other one was sent to jail. Sometimes people can be so stupid, that it's sad. Despite them being idiots, I hope that the 27 year old gets better soon.
On a lighter note, I have currently been watching Doctor Who on Netflix and I'm obsessed with it. I think it's the perfect show for me because it is occasionally hard to understand the way the Doctor talks when he's going a mile a minute and I also like Doctor Who because it really is kind of dorky and I love dorky shows. And the Doctor is funny most of the time -- which I love. If you haven't seen the Doctor Who T.V. show, I think you should try it -- it might not be your cup of tea, but I think it's worth a shot.

Life Stories

It's the second day of blogging! Today I achieved a great accomplishment. I cleaned my room for the first time in too long. It looks so good, and it only took me from 9:00 A.M. to 12:00 P.M. It is the second semester of school and it is getting a little tougher, but not much. Algebra is pretty easy and Spanish 1 is getting really hard, other than that, everything is oddly easy. But it will probably become more challenging when I get to High School. Not much to report today. Oh I am reading the Inheritance series by Christopher Paolini, and I think it is harder than school. The author graduated HS when he was 15! He is really smart! I don't know a lot of the vocabulary that he uses, but I am learning, I think I am learning more from a single book than school. (Just Kidding I know I learn more at school.) A few days ago at school we presented our 'Ties' in Reading Class, what we had to do was put an assortment of random facts about ourselves on a 2-3 foot long tie. Mine was a red bow-tie with white polka dots. A big percentage of the class told us their whole life stories with just a few pictures, don't get me wrong, I love to hear stories, but when about 15 people start doing that, it gets a little old, really fast.